Early 2011
I had met the main officers for GMSTWC and AC in January 2011. I managed to make him laugh at the beginning of the meeting, I shook his hand after. At that point I didn’t really notice him. But I appreciated his laughter.
Months later, I was called upon to help run a stall in Manchester City Centre since other recruits could not. It was the first time that year I’d been asked to help. I helped. I thought I did ok.
During those months PH took it upon herself to give me her negative reviews of the SWP and CND and Hope not Hate.
She said HnH was “a Labour front”.
I asked her, “Really?”
Said replied, “You know it is. You can tell by the colours.”
She was particularly hateful of the SWP and how they recruited people from Stop the War and other social justice issue campaigns and how they only seemed to be concerned about local issues that their particular group had control over – tribalism.
I agreed on one point of compulsion and tribalism. I said that, “You shouldn’t have to join a group in order to make progress.”
Her face didn’t seem to like that logic. Months later I realise it’s because she wanted me to join her group, turned out it was Counterfire.
She also used this quote from Nelson Mandela, “If you side with neither, you side with the oppressor. It’s what Nelson Mandela said.”
Here is the full actual quote, ““If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse, and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality.”
― Desmond Tutu“
How staying away from the SWP is the same as trapping a mouse by the tail, is anyone’s guess.
June 2011
At the Unison Conference June 2011, I was handing out flyers to attendees for the fringe meeting being held at the venue.
At the end of the first day I made a mistake due to my inexperience. I was advised that items left in the convention centre were not the responsibility of the venue. So I took the materials back home.
I came in on day 2 a little late. A man from the Working Class Movement Library noted to me that it was “not good enough”. I laid out the materials and carried on.
AC came to help on the second day. I noticed that AC’s attitude to me was that he’d have to do all the work handing out flyers as if I were useless.
But by that time I had already handed out a lot of flyers, so when Alistair came back he had a smile on his face and he said “You did a good job. Most already had one.” Alistair went home that afternoon.
We chatted a little. Thanks to the Fairy Godmother of this fairytale, I noticed him a little more. I did flirt a little. And it really did help having him there since a guy in the booth opposite was being a creeper.
[He tried to hook me with “I’ve got a motorcycle.”
Inner monologue: I ain’t going any-freakin-where with you, granddad.
When he smiled, he looked like a pink version of The Grinch. No joke.]
I remember when AC went to go home, I walked him to the train station, we chatted a little, I got him to his platform and walked off to my platform. From across 3 or 4 platforms I hear this loud whistle.
I’m sure I hadn’t left anything with him and I hadn’t walked off with any of his baggage. And one thing you learn early on, is that you never answer when a man whistles. Don’t even look up.
It’s disrespectful of a man and IF a man sees you answer to a whistle then in future that scumbag might whistle at you to get your attention and treat you as a dog. Literally, figuratively, rape-ily; you don’t want to hang around to find out.
But only a London widebwoy would do that. London is so busy a whistle that loud would actually be helpful. I thought to myself, “If it’s work he can email me. If it’s important, he can text me.”
Was that the only time he was brave enough to say something?
The next day, I met MDS. He didn’t seem a bad sort, he seemed distant, and eventually we swapped contact details.
But then in conversation with others I noticed how he reacted to my high-pitch giggle. He glared at me as if he wanted to throttle me. He seemed very angry and impatient.
At the fringe meeting, bearing in mind I hadn’t run the technical side of a meeting before, I got the same intensely angry response from MDS.
Where there was a need for the microphone for the Q&A session, MDS seemed increasingly impatient with me and visibly red in the face, I went and sorted it out.
I didn’t think it was fair since I never blew my own trumpet as to how good I was.
I would love to ask MDS why he was so pissy with me that day.
AC
After the conference I flirted with AC via email and text. I’m not ashamed of writing this because I genuinely thought he was a good person and one that I wanted to get to know just to see if it could go the distance. That was later proven to not be the case. And most importantly, nothing physical ever happened.
Autumn of 2011
I remember PH told me of a meeting in London. I don’t know if it was STWC or Counterfire. At the time Counterfire was still in its formative stage.
That weekend I had a really bad feeling. I didn’t understand it at the time. It just came over me. I would have liked to compare notes with AC to see what happened. But unfortunately that seems to be impossible.
About 2 weeks after the meeting, I was in PH’s car, she was driving me home. We had already talked about LGBT rights, and she slipped in this one comment. She said this with glee and enthusiasm in her eyes. It almost seemed as if she was holding her breath in anticipation.
She said, “My daugther said, ‘Mum, you’re the only parent who wants a gay daughter.’”
I didn’t get where the conversation was supposed to go and I was pretty tired anyway. I couldn’t contribute anything to the conversation and we had already covered the whole “We each stand for equality wrt the LGBT community”.
It seemed redundant. I left it.
Was PH trying to groom her daughter to be a lesbian? Poor girl.
Looking back, was she trying to imply “I think you’re gay and I wouldn’t judge you and I’d be happy if you were.”?
If I said anything and asked, “Are you trying to say something?” she might say that she didn’t mean that and that I was bringing something to it.
Fact is I’m not lesbian or bisexual. I’m heterosexual. I just dress masculine because that’s how you keep safe. Up North it seems that if you dress pretty you get harassed. So it’s better to dress dowdy.
In that conversation I asked about AC, PH told me immediately that AC was gay.
Apparently I was supposed to imagine AC as a Thai ladyboy.
Nope, I know a straight man when I see one.
January 2012
PH and I set about with running stalls for the latest campaign.
Her commitment and hard work gave me the impression of sincerity. That’s why I kept on helping.
That January we talked about weight loss. I knew I had “fluffed out” but I wasn’t ready to take action until August 2012. PH talked about Slimming World. I remember how she was talking about cutting out all fats including vegetable oils.
I told her that wasn’t a good idea since you do need healthy fats. I was going to tell her about my chemistry teacher at school who had an experience of The Rosemary Connelly diet who had the same policy on oil. My teacher recounted how not having any fats in her diet made her skin dry and more prone to wrinkles and made her hair and nails brittle. PH silenced me as if she had caught me out for trying to sabotage her.
Many months later PH tells me her daughter noted how PH’s hair was falling out. Whether PH has made that connection I don’t know.
Near the end of the journey to my house we were stopped at a traffic light, she watched my face observing what in particular I don’t know.
She rubbed a hand over her chin to compare since I had light facial hair there, then down over her stomach.
The light turned green. I noted, “Are you comparing yourself to me?”
She replied in that sincere tone she does so well, “No.”
She switched gears to set off and then CONTINUED to rub a hand over her left thigh.
She was sizing me up. That has never happened to me before. Ever.
It was peculiar. But I didn’t figure she was jealous of me. The age gap was so large I didn’t think someone that age would try to compete with me. The question I wondered “For what?”
February 2012
I went to the US Embassy for a protest. I only ever go to London when activities in Manchester are slow to non-existent. This was one of those times.
I went, I had gained weight over Christmas, naturally, and when I got there AC came over and looked me up and down, he had this smirk on his face as if he were mocking me. He loped off. I tried to help but I didn’t know enough people, not enough people recognised me to get me involved with anything.
LGBT @ The Mechanics Institute
There was an exhibition at The Mechanics Institute. I was asked to help out on a stall there. It was a LGBT vein of history within the Labour/Union Movement.
For me LGBT issues are not repulsive. I think equality is a good thing and the strides towards equality for consenting adults to love is a part of societal change that I was alive to witness. Age of consent, civil partnerships, gay marriage.
I noticed PH was very happy to see me there. She smiled at me a bit too long. It got slightly creepy.
I now know this face to be fake. Narrowed eyes. Sickly sharp smile.
I didn’t think anything of it at the time. But it becomes relevant later.
March 2012
At the STWC AGM, I attended with NA and PH.
When I got up the stairs, I made this over-exaggerated puff of fatigue having taken the stairs two at a time. LG seemed to be avoiding me. I figured it was simply because we had not been introduced and that Lindsey was far too senior for the likes of me. But she seemed to be displeased with me.
I noticed during the AGM, near the beginning that AC was avoiding me, he ducked behind a pillar in the room. I couldn’t believe it. What the hell did I do/say that would make him avoid me like that? And so obviously as well.
At lunch I noticed how PH had ushered me away from the rest of the group to get something to eat. I think she was trying to keep myself and AC separated.
At the shop on the ground floor of the venue(ULU) we got water, PH touched my forearm and noticed my skin was hot.
She moved her hand away immediately and looked over to AC. I was hoping she hadn’t noticed. But I guess she did.
I found the CPGBML challenge to the panel exceedingly hilarious. I think it’s from there that CN noticed me since my shoulders could not stop shaking.
The thing that got me was the grab for the microphone. I had not understood the whole “suspension of disbelief” until I saw that.
I also noticed SD seemed to find my laughter funny.
I swapped contact details with KC, the author.
A week or so after the conference I asked PH about AC. He seemed to be avoiding me. She said, “Maybe you need to just take the hint.”
The only kind of man who does that is the kind that cannot deal with the emotional intensity and the responsibility required of the situation so they act with arrogance to the situation.
I didn’t think that brief flirtation was emotionally heavy or charged. What had I done wrong?
May 2012
I went to the US Embassy for a joint UNAC demo. Weeks earlier, I had actually sent the link to AC and from that he ran with it and turned it into an event.
Again Greater Manchester Stop the War was dull, uneventful and activity was virtually non-existent, and since I had a small hand in the UNAC London demo, I went to London. I was also due in London to get a hold of copies of poster art. I intended to compile a digitised album of anti-war poster art and turn into an art exhibition for The Manchester Peace Festival.
Strangely enough, even though Stop the War had provided the materials, when I went to visit the archives at the Bishopsgate Institute I was told there’s be a fee to get the posters digitised. Money I did not have.
So it was a bit of a bust.
I went to the demo, SD said to me with a smile on his face, “You’ve come a long way just for a demo.”
Was he suggesting I was only here for AC? I told him I was there that morning for the Bishopsgate Institute so it wasn’t a wasted day.
I went off to one side and made new contacts including SA, and made sure I got a task to do.
He, AC, was standing close to me during the steward’s debrief, BIG change from ducking behind a pillar to avoid me, he seemed to be smiling at me. I could tell his face wasn’t used to that smile. It looked almost insane. What was he playing at?
Collection bucket duty. I did well. Even got crisp notes. I wasn’t sure how to keep them safe so they didn’t blow away and I was warned about people taking money out as if it were change and taking a 20 when they gave 10 etc.
I remember Alice said to me, “Just stuff them in your bra.” 🙂 She’s crackin’. Maybe news of my saucy disposition had spread. I didn’t take offence. She’s a good sort.
I don’t put dirty money on my skin, that’s not sanitary. I kept the notes between two folded A5 flyers and kept that at the bottom of the bucket underneath the coins. <—– Top tip, guys.
During the demo, I noticed AC was watching me. And then again, he was watching me, I caught him on 3 separate occasions. I didn’t know what he was playing at. He was smirking at me in early February, avoiding me in March. Had I earned one iota of his respect from tipping him off about UNAC? If that was his game, it wasn’t attractive.
If on the slightest chance he was “trying” with me, that there might have been an attraction he wanted to explore, I knew what to do. If he wanted to talk to me, he’d come to me. I wouldn’t chase him.
I then went up to AC to inform him of potential trouble in the form of a guy trying to discourage me from being an activist for STW. At first it seemed as if AC knew what I was going to say but when I told him, he seemed surprised.
The man asked me where I was from. If I was from India. I sensed the peril(sisters will know what I mean) so I did not give him my real/more accurate ethnicity, I just said “Yes.” He said, “Then you belong to India, you’re not for these people.”
AC said something along the lines of, “Well that’s not nice.”
He appeared to be Somali as best I could tell. He went off and spoke to a police officer, who most likely ignored the black man talking to him.
Was he trying to break up the protest or cause trouble? I reported it to AC but as he looked up at the guy, he was making his way out of the area.
At the end of the demo, I gave up the coinage from the bucket and the notes. Alice was happy at the prospect at being able to pay off the bills all in one go.
I retrieved my bag, I said goodbye to everyone in a general way then left. I noticed AC was quietly happy, head down, he was hiding something but I didn’t know what.
As I left I noticed AC gesture to SA something. I was halfway past the outside of the park when I hear my name being called, it was SA. We swapped phone numbers. I went on my way, he headed back.
Is this demo the reason why he was being “nicer”? Was this the only way to get through to him? Who is he? Is he even human?
For me there are no conditions. You just talk, find out about each other. Figure out whether it is a-go or not.
As I left I was utterly disappointed, SD was teasing me for turning up to a demo I suggested, that would save me from being bored out of my skull in Manchester, and AC actually appeared warm to me, but STILL he said nothing to me about it.
I thought to myself, “PH was right? It can’t be. I hate this.”
I made my way home.
June 2012
He seemed pissed off at me. What changed?
I had turned up for the STWC stall at the UCU Congress.
He observed my face, particularly drawn to my forehead. I had dark scars that were healing. He seemed to be happy to see it. It was an arsey thing to do.
I made pleasantries. I asked him how he was. He said things were ok and then grumbled placing emphasis on the word “cheesecake”. It was out of step with the usual pleasantries.
That bloody cheesecake.
The only time aside from a particular recipe for AC was when discussing hobbies with SA, I mentioned as a list of things I can make. I noticed how SA seemed to be eager to hear that I cook, and he seemed to quickly lose interest very soon after he heard the two items that came to mind.
Was AC pissed off at me cos I mentioned a bloody cheesecake to Sagar?
Did he take that to mean a kind of betrayal?(I’m going to talk about this in the conclusions)
Even though he gave me a stone wall on every interaction until May? “Say something.”, I thought to myself.
There was something about the original that was tailored to AC, it was a pretty metaphor with a link to the past but it doesn’t matter now. [I’ll talk more about this in the conclusions]
I figured I should not answer to a passive-aggressive tone. If he wanted to talk about it he should have asked me. I wasn’t going to chase after him as if I was his mother. Only babies and the infirm need help with interpreting, able-bodied adults should be able to express themselves.
And I knew from a previous relationship that once you start chasing after a man’s emotions and well-being, you will be walking on eggshells for the rest of your life.
I let the atmosphere pass and took the opportunity to get organising work done since it had slowed right the way down. He got more comfortable. Told me he was studying and that’s why his work output had slowed down. I understood immediately and left him be.
That day I found a fellow nerd on another stall who understood and appreciated anime, manga and ComicCon. Sweet relief!
I went off to the side of the table when two different conversations were competing. I was about 10 feet away.
I couldn’t help but notice AC trying to stifle a laugh when I mentioned to Chris the slutty costumes ComicCon goers sometimes participate in.
For those who don’t know, its called “cosplay” The aim is to go dressed as a character you like or admire in some way. Some are good, some are raunchy for games promotions.
Why was he listening in anyway? It certainly wasn’t his reading material, which on the subject of something really vague… was it Socrates and didactic reasoning? Something like that. Something really dry. Drier than accounting. Yeah, THAT bad.
The rest of the day went ok. AC left me with pre-paid envelopes to send back the materials.
Important Side Note: You remember how PH was trying to get me involved with LGBT activism? I suspected it might have been out of a sense that I was some kind of closet lesbian or bisexual. If supporting LGBT equality means I’m gay, what does that make PH?
I am not the kind of person to slag off the LGBT community just to prove a point. So I did something different, I amped up the appearance of heterosexuality.
I wasn’t sure if PH had told AC about my literally having the hots for him at the conference in March. I wasn’t going to take any chances.
I talked about men and how fit certain blokes were and how much I desired men. The look of discomfort on PH’s face was my reward and served as protection from any unwarranted ideas PH likely had as to my true identity.
At most I dress butch and I do so to hide femininity because I have found that Western society does not protect femininity at all.
August 2012
Early August I was on the phone to PH, asking for time off.
Over the phone. I hear her say to her daughter “She’s asking me for time off as if I’m authoritarian.”
She then said to me, “You don’t have to ask me that.”
To me it’s just as a courtesy to make sure no one is left hanging without help.
Later I find out that she doesn’t respect when you don’t help without giving notice.
I booked my hotel. I had been talking about taking a break for a while to my brother.
I let him know the hotel address so he could programme it into the SatNav, how long I’d be gone(back Sunday afternoon), how I’d get there(train), that I would text to let him know I made it ok.
He understood that I needed this break, at the same time he was a little anxious about a woman travelling on her own. He said he’d see how his work would go and if possible he might come visit and have lunch or dinner.
A few days after I gave her notice of my city break, PH called me and asked me about it, her tone seemed concerned. I didn’t understand why, so I was honest and forthcoming as per usual.
I pretty much said this – I am going to the Mercure St Paul’s in Sheffield. I am going to swim and enjoy the spa facilities and my brother knows where I am just in case and he may even visit.
The City Break
On the Thursday, I got there some time after 2pm. By the time I’d checked in and gone up to my room it was 2.30pm.
I remember laying on the bed, the Tripadvisor community was spot on about the good and the bad.
I turned the tv on.
I remember thinking about AC; that if he wasn’t being such an arsehole and giving mixed signals would this city break be with him?
If it was, I’d tell my family, he’d have to meet my older brother, then he’d to come to chaperone which is the right thing to do, then I’d have a double room to myself and the guys would have to share a twin.
Then they’d spend the first evening making power plays and displays of their masculinity, arguing, maybe a girly slap fight (AC is like a buck-05, my brother is stocky), I’d go for a swim in the pool to try to relax.
…I’d be worrying the whole time about them two fighting. I’d come back up, they’d STILL be arguing. And then I’d make some smart comment about them sounding like a gay couple having a lover’s quarrel in the corridor of a 4-star hotel. I’d tell them to calm down, stop bickering and get ready for dinner.
So stressful. Not what I came here for. The thought made me realise how grateful I was for the silence. 3 seconds later all the stress had drained from my body, I fell asleep for 3 hours, dozed for one; and when Hollyoaks came on I knew I had to make a move to go swim.
I took that time away from my home environment to see if certain persistent problems were still persisting. I was feeling run down, I wasn’t sleeping properly, my feet would swell easier than before, my muscle mass had significantly reduced, I noticed I wasn’t as powerful physically when I went swimming.
The only thing I could see that changed was my size.
I remember how slim and healthy I was. I was afraid at that time that if I went to the GP I would be diagnosed as pre-diabetic.
As a result of those observations, I made a resolve; I wanted to lose the weight on my own and get healthy again. Then I’d go visit the GP for a health MOT.
Being overweight actually made me more sociable and chatty. The big personality made up for the insecurity of being overweight. If I was going to be fat I was going to be the fat chick with the great personality. But also I felt safe to do so because, given my physique, I would be in no danger of unwanted attention.
I mused to myself that if anyone tried to get fresh I’d only have to make a sharp turn and I’d knock them over.
My weight was the reason I couldn’t fit into my usual clothes. I was wearing men’s size small Slazenger t-shirts to cover it.
And if being overweight was putting off AC, then screw him! I didn’t want my body and my health holding me back even if it was just anxiety over the possibility that I’d be rejected for it; for the next time. i.e. with someone new.
I spent my time swimming and adventuring, doing touristy things. I also became fascinated with a bead/craft shop. True story.
And my brother did visit me, we had a late lunch, I showed him the room(he approved) and the sports facilities(he approved), we walked around in the city centre for a while, then we chilled a little before he left to go home. The sky had turned to early evening.
He told me after he got home that next time I go take a city break I should go somewhere easier to drive to since he came via motorway and that precarious snake pass you have to navigate.
This holiday becomes relevant later.
1st September 2012
I was helping to run a STWC stall. PH asked me if I actually did go to Sheffield for a break, I said “Yes”. There’s no way I’m going to take time away from STWC and stay at home. It was a time to relax and rejuvenate.
Her tone told me that I should not have gone to Sheffield.
I followed up with, “I had an epiphany.” You know those times when you just need to be alone and get centred? My needs, my ambitions and that sense of care for myself instead of constantly caring for others, came to me.
You know that feeling?
You know what that PH said, “Oh, is that what his name was?”
My inner monologue went something like this:
…..
WTF!?
I worked hard as a homemaker. I needed that time off.
I read her tone. It was dripping with innuendo. She sounded like she was winding me up. I detected this undercurrent of an accusation. She was disguising an accusation as blokey humour. It was a dick-headed thing to do.
I wouldn’t laugh along with it because that(sex) didn’t happen and I don’t have casual sex ever, I had nothing to be ashamed of or defensive for. She smiled at me with narrowed eyes for 5 long creepy seconds.
I wondered why she was winding me up after I’ve just come back from a break. I didn’t want her to ruin that peaceful refreshed feeling I had.
The anxiety was actually destroying my health, I had noticed that whenever I got tense, it felt as if my neck and my veins hurt: And I didn’t want to do any further damage to my already elevated blood pressure.
It wasn’t physically worth it to get angry at her and tell her off.
I was wondering whether I should talk to her about saying things like that of a woman. Dangerous rumours like that can get a woman raped.
It seemed to be a significant thing for her. Now, looking back on it, did she use that as justification to label me and shame me as a whore/slut?
Mid September
Freshers Fair at Manchester University. Stall running, again. There were 2 young men from Counterfire.
I helped out on both stalls.
At that time DP formally asked me to join Counterfire since Counterfire was looking for influential members, that I seemed to be pretty enthused about austerity and if I’d like to join the anti-austerity movement.
I said I’d have to think about it. He asked, “What is there to think about?”
We talked that afternoon about Counterfire, and about the alternate system to capitalism. I talked about asset-backed currency. He made good points about the power gold mining and other resource mining companies would have if there was an asset backed currency system.
Later via fb chat we spoke about the alternative system. I asked him what he thought the alternative was. He said “Worker-backed socialism which is effectively Communism”.
That was it for me. No thanks. Ta very much.
You might say, “Well what about what happens to women under capitalism?” referring to prostitution.
The thing is the same abuses can happen to women in any system.
I think Communism is dealt with in Telltale game version of The Walking Dead. You know where the woman had to have sex with the doctor to get insulin for her sister? The doctor could have given it for free. But instead he used it to barter for sex. Straight up exploitation.
If I remember correctly (this is 2 years ago now) I think she got pregnant from it, and the doctor was going to perform an abortion. She wanted to keep it.
Maybe it was social commentary on the corporatised/free-market system of US Healthcare. (State-funded health insurance was being debated at the time.)
And besides, Communism in its day was rife with corruption itself. There was spying and hoarding of trinkets and gold. The debt-based system of capitalism is insane. But Communism? It never works. I have no faith in it.
If there is no currency, what separates your physical body from the exploitation of others?
In Capitalism it’s “I want food, here is my money.” In Communism it’s “I’ve worked, so where’s my food?” or “I want food, what do I have to do to get it?”
In dire circumstances in either system there can be exploitation. Be it higher prices to reflect higher demand per unit supply or it could be the drastically disgusting acts in order to get what you need in dire straits.
No man-made system is ever perfect. The only system that I find comes closest is Islam. For me I didn’t feel like I had to choose between Islam and Counterfire but why add to something that is nowhere near perfect(Counterfire) to something that is(Islam)?
I wrote to DP saying, “I’ve considered it and it’s a no from me. No, thank you.”
I thought that was the end of it.
29th September 2012
On the way down to the STWC Steering Committee meeting:
I told PH about the fact that I had a thing for AC. I think she already knew what had gone on since she couldn’t look at me as I was saying it.
I figured it wasn’t going anywhere. I wasn’t good enough for him to even give me a “No.”
When she asked me, “What did you say?” I think she may have been fishing for information. It was almost as if she was just checking with the story she already had in her mind.
I didn’t want to reveal the really sickly sweet, schmaltzy things I’d written so I said “Imma cook for you.” I put on a voice because that was my best shot and it didn’t work.
And THIS is why women should not pick up men. I am so crap at this. Men usually make a move on me. I reject most. Only dated 2 in 10 years. I have never had to mack on a dude ever.
October 2012
Up until the 2nd October PH had given bad reviews of CND. These people are good people but they were perceived by PH as being particularly uninvolved with the main anti-war movement. She said that a certain member of CND would make the meeting all about CND.
After the meeting LG, who spoke on the panel, told me I did well with this event, and she gave a positive review of CND. They had one contribution to the Q&A session and it was received well.
After the event when I asked PH about it, she had miraculously changed her mind. Likely because of LG, and said that since they came in early to do the work they were ok in her book.
I write this so that you understand if PH complained that I stuck by her too much it was because of this nasty gossip she put about CND. I reserved judgement and I held off from CND.
In Manchester, that whole crowd is pretty darn amazing. These people are mostly older, but they are nowhere near dusty, or crusted up with cynicism. CND are good people.
Mid October
PH and I were on a stall promoting the October 20th demo. That holiday came up, I had told her that the bed was sunken in the middle as the Tripadvisor community had said so I had to sleep to one side. She said, “That’s not very good.” and after that it came up again, I mentioned that my brother had visited me.
On hearing that PH gave this look of brief shock. I thought to myself, “I’m pretty sure I told her my brother visited.”
I wondered if maybe she passed on a heavily edited version of my holiday to AC. I figured that we’d see just how honest she is. She may try to rectify it with AC.
20th October
After alighting the train at Euston we were all walking up to exit. RS(SWP) had come up beside me and put an arm around my shoulder, his hand resting on my upper arm. He remarked about how we didn’t have much time to catch up on the train. He was likely networking.
We had American culture in common and he’d share stories about his family. It was a very human interaction.
After RS(SWP) had gone off to mix with others, PH came up to me and said that RS(SWP)
“had his arm on you… as a Muslim woman…”
I gave her a quizzical look. Yes, I am Muslim, but there was nothing lewd about what RS(SWP) did.
I was wearing dark corduroy trousers, a crew neck layering top with a Karrimor sports t-shirt over the top and a light blue raincoat. There was no cleavage shot.
She then said, “He had his arms all over you.”
I know the octopus move. This was not the octopus move.
RS was not a sexual threat to me at all. He was like an uncle(distant uncle) in a sense. And no uncle of mine has ever been inappropriate with me.
As she said it, she seemed genuinely upset and sounded a little jealous. I didn’t understand why. Other than the sectarian fuelled gossip she told me I had no other reason to believe that there was a problem. To this day I have had no reports of inappropriate behaviour about RS(SWP).
It made me uncomfortable that she would use my religion as a means of controlling who I talk to. If someone was being inappropriate with a woman, it would be inappropriate on the basis that the person in question is a woman and is at risk, from a male with greater upper body strength, of assault.
Bringing societal expectation of Muslim women into it made it seem as if, “You need to be worried what other people will say about you as a Muslim.” Turns out the only risk of that was from PH herself.
Scandal mongering and rumour-making and the perception of piety and judgement from any community as to your piety, is dealt with in the Quran. To reduce it down to its key component; only God can judge you, those who spread scandal and gossip are going to burn.
I use my own judgement with reference to the Quran in everything, if there was a risk or if I felt uncomfortable, I would have avoided the arm, or slapped it away.
Maybe people need to realise that “religion” is a poor substitute of a word. Islam is more a way of life or “deen”. Each human is born innocent and with free will. You don’t follow rules just because; you listen and learn and follow the guidance because it will actually help you in your lifetime. The downside risk to well-being(of not following the Sunnah) is too great.
And I personally have found the Quran proven to be right on MANY occasions.
I keep myself safe by avoiding the city at night, I do not go clubbing, I do not drink, I do not partake in any drugs, even the legal drugs of alcohol or nicotine. I also do not have casual sex. This becomes relevant later. And I do not leave myself alone with any strange man. I move carriages if I come across trouble. I can handle myself for the most part.
The Quran advises vigilance, but I also undertake vigilance myself because I understand the risks.
Maybe RS(SWP) was being pally in order to recruit me to the SWP. I wasn’t biting to either Counterfire or the SWP. But they do seem to be the exact same beast.
At The Demo
AC was at the starting point for the anti-war bloc. I’d said hi to some people. I gave out placards for people to wave during the demo. We were on the Embankment I was on the side further away from the river, I didn’t really know the area. PH said she was going to the other side to hand out placards.
Her face was a bit obvious that she was planning something. She left and for whatever reason AC emerged from the bloc and said hi to me. I said hi back and didn’t pay much attention to him. I noticed him sizing me up and noticing the Union Jack logo of the Karrimor t-shirt on my chest.
I didn’t know what the agenda was today, was it Schadenfreude again because I was overweight, because I had said I was over him, because PH said something else? Who knows. I wasn’t going to bother with him at all.
He then left and PH miraculously comes back.
She then asks me what I wanted to do.
I replied, “We should go back to the group”
“What do you want to do?”
“We should rejoin the group, won’t it look bad if we don’t?”
“What do you want to do?”
It became obvious that she didn’t want me to march with the group. Was she separating me from AC again? Most likely.
We could march up ahead and check out the front of the demo.
On our way I asked her, “AC came up to me just after you left, did you arrange that?”
She shrunk into her own space a little and said quietly, “No.” There was fear as if I was about to uncover something.
I didn’t push it because I didn’t want to ruin the day. But I got the strong sense she lied to me. I let it go. If AC was the gullible fool he was turning out to be, he wasn’t worth it.
I remember I said I’d text AC to let them know we ditched the main anti-war bloc. PH took note and then did the same for LG.
I noticed when I got to Hyde Park and I saw LG, JR and MDS, that MDS (the guy who looked like a baby in colic in June 2011) was looking at me kinda sheepish. I’d love to hear the story behind that. What changed there?
After the demo, we caught up with MS. We walked to the Firebox café, a Counterfire hub.
I chatted with others as per usual being sociable. I chatted to SD in the queue. I don’t think he recognised me either because it had been a while, or he was running on adrenaline and more likely he probably didn’t recognise me because I had gained weight.
I made a joke about him not recognising me along the lines of, “Nice to see you too(!)” and that was that.
Under the order of the bar staff, he fetched ice for my drink. I was grateful since I was massively overheated from walking so much so I gave him a sideways hug.
On the train back home, PH said, “That lad you were talking to in the café: Why don’t you go for him?”
I told her he was too tall for me
She said, “You’re height-ist.”
I then said, “And he smokes.” I mention this second because I didn’t want to get too personal against his choice to smoke. Even though I do hate it.
Plus, I’ve heard of the dry mouth that smokers have. NOT appealing to me at all.
She replied as if she’d been scared off, “Well I don’t know these things.”
There were other reasons I wasn’t attracted to him but they are personal reasons.
I did message SD weeks later and asked him simply out of curiosity if he was single, I explained that PH had asked me to try it on with SD and that I wasn’t keen since the only thing PH knew about SD was that he was brown like me.
I didn’t like the inference.
Upon my asking he instantly got nervous. He said that he had a gf. I suggested a name. He confirmed. I complimented them for being a handsome couple. I kept it to myself but I do think if they had children, they’d turn out well since each of them had both brains and beauty. [No pressure, guys.]
I wasn’t particularly interested in getting together with anyone at that time. It was a case of; organise for STWC and lose weight. Those were my only priorities at the time. If AC was falling for gossip that PH was likely spreading there was nothing I could do for him anyway.
Late October
During reading week there was one evening of a film screening that GMSTWC had arranged.
After the film screening and discussion, PH, MS and I were in the elevator. They were being coupley and kissed, I looked away because that’s a bit too gross(PDA) and PH remarked about PH and MS “in the elevator”.
MS then said to me, “More like you and P.” He gave me this stern look. I didn’t know why.
I looked at PH and she said, “We’d be gassing.” MS didn’t look impressed and walked out the elevator.
I asked PH what that was about. She picked up her pace and walked on ahead. She avoided explaining it to me.
She drove MS to his place and drove me home. I asked her as soon as MS had gone, “Why did MS say that? As if I was some kind of ‘latent lesbian’?”
She said, “He’s just jealous cos we don’t get time together.”
So she blamed me?
She told him I was a lesbian? That there was sexual interest?
Well that’s a pack of lies.
Was she deliberately trying to keep a distance between her and MS?
I’m definitely not a lesbian or bisexual.
November 2012
AC
PH was the only member of an up and-coming socialist group(Counterfire) in the city. I took pity on her and helped her with meetings. I didn’t like the idea of a lone woman loading and unloading her car late on a November’s evening.
At that evening’s discussion I met TE.
The thing is, over time, by my enthusiasm and optimistic outlook, this woman started putting more and more organising responsibility of this political group onto my shoulders.
Was I being groomed? I’d already said “No.” to the invite to join. I wanted to help but I didn’t want to join.
December 2012
What I asked Alistair, “I’ll ask simply this: Have you ever used a person’s race, religious beliefs or sexual orientation to justify something like an argument for example?”
“Hi Sabrina,
I’m really not sure what you’re getting at and don’t appreciate these implications. No, I have never discriminated against anyone on any of those grounds. I’m more usually in the habit of defended people against discrimination.
I’m sorry for not having responded to you on a personal level. That was rude and cowardly of me. I can be kind of awkward like that.
Now can we keep it to stop the war business only.”
“It’s a hypothetical. I have lost respect for someone, who wasn’t you, because they used THEIR ideas of my spiritual/religious beliefs to try to, on one occasion, appeal to my ego and on the other occasion, change my behaviour. They didn’t like who I was friendly with.”
AC had been cagey with all the way through our interactions. Getting some real, authentic human conversation was like getting blood from a stone. Even though he was being laconic and threadbare at that, I was determined to treat him as a normal human being even if he was avoiding that stonking, great elephant in the room.
The pressure came to a head. I unleashed. I bollocked him like anything. I can’t remember the last time I got that angry at anyone. Maybe when I was a teenager and my space kept on being invaded by my brother.
He had been giving me mixed signals. I could never figure him out. I was thinking maybe the positive physical reaction I had towards him was my body lying to me.
I couldn’t believe I was wrong about him.
I insulted him, said that if the tables were turned and if I was a monster he’d be in trouble.
I had given him space since 2011 and definitely after March 2012 because I was aware that maybe I was being too full on. None of it helped.
I regretted what I wrote to him as soon as I pressed send. I really was that angry. It was faithful to what I felt at the time. But there had to have been a better way than that to say it.
Not dealing with it only ever built up the pressure. And this was the result.
The Officers Elections
I was part of a power struggle to oust an officer who was neglectful of his duties in his role. This had been brewing for a few weeks. At first I was being put forward as his successor given my accomplishments with organising.
I thought it was WAY too much responsibility and given PH’s seniority in terms of experience, she should go for Convenor.
Before the meeting, she made this argument/assertion to me: “They are going to put N forward as their Muslim woman, but we have a Muslim woman right here.”
I was offended and shocked. I said that, “You shouldn’t argue it as one Muslims vs another, NA should stay in this position because NA is really good in that role. I’m crap. I’m awkward and geeky.” (Still hadn’t gotten over my fear of public speaking)
Thankfully, when it came to the meeting in December, PH likely had such high blood pressure that she didn’t hear MK make that argument, so she did not counter with her stupid counter-argument. Roles should be assigned by ability not by any “window-dressing”.
What it seemed like to me was one white person’s token Muslims versus another white person’s token Muslim. And I am NOT a token.
I think it was a benefit that the group was rearranged. I became Campaigns officer. The officer who neglected his duties was now acting in a different role that suited his ability. And of course, PH was named as Convenor.
I was left with alarm bells ringing as to why this woman who I considered a mentor was making such a stupid argument. And at the expense of my dignity too.
It is likely that there will be call of “You’re overreacting!” I must tell you how embarrassing and demeaning it is for someone else to volunteer you as a competitor based solely on your ethnicity or religion or other identifying characteristic, just to fit an image or a profile that you wish to present to the world.
It’s as if I was supposed to be some kind of snarling raccoon PH had in a carry cage that she was going to threaten SWP members with.
As if I was about be thrust into a cage fight with NA MMA style.
[I am not a raccoon. I do not snarl. I don’t like cages. I don’t like contact sports.]
It would be presumptuous to offer my effort as Chair on my behalf without consulting me first. But to be prepared to make that comparison when I have expressed my objections, is just wilful contempt of my boundaries.
I think my point of view as expressed above about selection based on ability is fair.
One other minor point – After the meeting I went to buy a new winter coat. I had mentioned it to PH that my old coat was fraying. It was just normal conversation. So that evening I had an hour to buy a coat.
When she asked me about it, she asked in a voice dripping with excitement and expectation as if the coat was supposed to be sexy.
I didn’t understand why she asked me in that tone. But I just explained to her matter-of-factly that I bought a 3-in-1 jacket-fleece combo. The look of enthusiasm on her face dropped almost immediately.
I don’t know what expectations she brought to it, but I always shop for practicality, durability, functionality(will it keep out the cold and the rain), and low-cost.
I don’t know what she was expecting. Maybe a wool-rich coat? Not for a £50 budget. Not at my size back then. Not before the January sales.
January 2013
January was when PH told me about the SWP rape case. She talked to me about keeping women safe as if I didn’t know how. I then contributed to the conversation so that she understood that protecting women from rape was not an alien concept to me.
Late January 2013
Compulsion and sectarianism
I remember back in January there was this Counterfire meeting in York. PH and I were supposed to go. If you recall that time, it was snowy in impossible to drive. I had planned on maybe taking the train to attend as a supporter. (Still was not an officer of Counterfire)
That Saturday morning I get up, walk over to the window and take a look outside. Snow covered everywhere. The ground was hibernating under a thick blanket of snow and my body said, “Nope! Back where it’s warm.”
And so I had a lie-in.
Later on when on the phone with PH, due to host a fundraiser, I was cooking for it, PH explained again how it was good she didn’t make the drive. I recounted the brief observations I made that morning and why I didn’t go. Then she mentioned how the snow didn’t effect the railways and then she held a silence, milking the atmosphere.
I can’t believe how arrogant she was. I was not bound to Counterfire and yet she was trying to make me feel bad for not risking the bad weather to venture out to York for a group that didn’t really do anything for me in terms of catharsis.
I didn’t understand why with the silence, so I made conversation as I usually did, since we were supposed to put on this fundraiser a week after.
February 2013
Fundraiser on the 2nd Feb. This time when I met Tom, he could not look me in the eye. I didn’t figure as to why.
PH seemed extremely tense with me this time around. I didn’t know why so I left it.
And in the car PH was driving TE to the train station, I asked if she intended for me to take the train too because I could get out here if it was more convenient.
She said resolutely, “No, I’m driving you home.”
She seemed tense, there was no chatty energy between us. I asked her if everything was alright. She said, “No, I just have to get back to pick up my daughter.”
I chalked it up to that.
Feb conference. I was trying to get rid of white fluff that had clung to my dark corduroy trousers. TE was sitting in the seat in front of me, he said, “I thought you were blowing on my neck then.”
I explained what I was doing and made sure to say, “I don’t want you to get that idea.”
At lunch, I decided to get fish and chips TE followed as if it didn’t matter what he ate. I didn’t understand why, since he was free to do what he liked. I should have realised he was under orders.
Avoided AC. He seemed to try to smile at me. I did not understand why since I had bollocked him big-style in December 2012. And since he said we hardly knew each other, it wouldn’t be a big deal if I just breezed on past him.
March 2013
At first I didn’t mind the extra responsibility of helping out the new socialist group, but 5 months in I realised that this woman was not as committed to Stop the War as I was.
I was pretty much stranded.
I turned to those officers for help who were too caught up in other campaigns on the matter of a Shaker Aamer. I got no joy.
I asked PH about it, she said she admired the dedication and human spirit in keeping the campaign alive. But there was no idea or offer of help as to how to raise the profile of this case in Manchester.
I think that perhaps because of the way her socialist group took off in the city and in surrounding towns, she got cocky.
I tended to student campaigns myself.
I remember back in 2011 how in her first conversations of her slating the SWP, she said that they only focus on their own campaigns and leave activism for STWC by the wayside.
Now that The People’s Assembly was being launched, PH did not tend to GMSTWC.
April 2013
I helped out with the student demos for the Close Guantanamo Campaign.
I attended the March to RAF Waddington. I’ll mention this in my conclusions.
May 2013
In a planning meeting, RS(non-SWP) mentioned how OJ looked like he’d lost weight. I hadn’t noticed. But I said to PH I could bake some cookies for him to take with him.
She responded, “No, he’s gay.”
I didn’t get how baking cookies related to his sexuality. I gathered from PH’s reaction that she seemed to think food in general was a metaphor for sexual intent.
That was not the case. I had not been baking anything, I was cutting carbs and maintaining a calorie deficit. The regimen was successful. But still, even though I had this skill, I had no reason to bake.
And besides it was only a small token. Of course OJ has people who look after him.
And if food was a metaphor for sexual intent, what were the fundraising dinners supposed to be? By PH’s logic, that is.
21st May 2013
Two things happened that raised my suspicions of PH.
OJ
Usually when there is a speaker coming to town they talk to the organisers. OJ didn’t but I figured that he was a serious type of person that needed his space so I left it.
But on the 21st and on other occasions I noticed how when he realised I was there in the audience he would stop smiling and look down at his papers. I thought maybe this was him appearing serious. I didn’t think anything of it. But I understand now that it may have been fear.
I also recall a young student asked me to introduce him to OJ in order to get a book signed. I did and I noticed OJ’s face was like thunder, his eyes dark and glassy. I figured it must have been fatigue since he didn’t seem to have any reason to be angry at me.
A couple of weeks later, I asked PH if she knew if OJ was peed off at me for any reason. She said with a strong laugh, “He thinks you’re shit because you won’t join Counterfire.”
I wondered if maybe she was simply lying to coerce me into joining Counterfire. But it came out of her mouth too quickly. Was she actually quoting OJ? And if she was, what exactly did PH say to lead OJ to say that?
What reason did she give him to say that?
RS(non-SWP)
RS(non-SWP) got arsey with me when I was handling the catering delivery by myself on the 21st. I did not understand why there was extra attitude.
I asked PH about it. She told me, “That’s when you give as good as you get.”
She wanted me to get into an argument with RS(non-SWP), the same guy who it seems single-handedly organised the Iraq War march in Manchester of 5,000 people? (2006)
It didn’t make sense. It’s not my style to argue in public or pick a fight. Least of all with someone I wanted to work with(He’s a bit of a legend). So I left it. My stance was: If RS(non-SWP) really does have a problem he can talk to me about it.
He didn’t.
PH, later on just before a planning a meeting at Wetherspoons, said that RS(non-SWP) was arrogant. And said that, “He was like you, he WAS Stop the War at one time but then there was a disagreement over a cheque that went missing and John Rees was at the centre of it. We had an eyeball-to-eyeball fight about it in his kitchen.”
Note to RS(non-SWP): I’m a pitbull about financial accountability too.
“He left and he’s like ‘I’ve got my allotment’.” That part in quotation she put on a sad-sack voice. Apparently having an allotment makes you a sad case. I didn’t buy what she was saying.
I did not detect any arrogance about him. He seemed to be angry at me but I didn’t know why. That was all.
I later learn about RS’s family, I think that when things get tough in terms of work, family is always the priority I’d pick. So I think whatever the real reason was for RS leaving, I wouldn’t blame him for wanting to be away from a tense situation.
Summary: RS was comfortable around PH, angry at me for seemingly no reason, and PH was talking smack about him to me.
Contradictions.
KR
That evening, after the 21st May event, PH told me, “We’re going for a drink with KR.” It sounded as if I was being ordered.
I was tired after the open meeting anyway. I had been running around behind the scenes and I was contented that it came off ok.
The four of us were at Las Iguanas. I ordered my drink(lemonade naturally) and went to wash my hands.
I come back and both PH and KR are making a fuss about these 2 glasses of lemonade.
They were falling over themselves to say, “There’s no alcohol in it! There’s no alcohol in it!”
KR, the more level-headed one of the two, said, “It’s just that the bartender made 2 by mistake.”
So I made sure, “He’s not charging you for two?”
KR, “No.”
Me [big grin]: “Awesome.” I’d been dieting and they used limes. I was well chuffed.
We talked about some politics and some dieting and some boys. KR and SL are a lesbian couple. I saw KR as taking me under her wing since I was co-treasurer of Manchester People’s Assembly Account.
I am sociable enough to talk frankly about my personal life anyway so we already had that ease of associating.
The curious thing she said was this: We had been talking about men, particularly with reference to a video I shared of Ke Kai O Kahiki, I wrote a caption of “I’ve found my future husband!”, and of Polynesian men in general. [You guys are fly as hell.]
I gave a description of the type I like, dark hair, dark eyes. KR said, “So that’s who I’m sending your way right now.”
“Right now”?
I don’t know when that was ever not my type.
I glanced at PH briefly, she had been watching my face. PH’s face was anticipating something as if she were expecting me to say something.
I didn’t understand. PH seemed to think I was gay; she seemed to have told MS I was a lesbian; she knew I was big into AC; she seemed to not like miscegenation and tried to divert me to SD; and now KR was saying something that drew an oblique reference to lesbianism or having changeable tastes.
I think maybe PH talks about me and not to me and expects other people to talk to me about whatever it is PH fears.
AC
I had told PH that I needed to sort out the tension between myself and AC. I wanted to attend the Dangerous Ideas Festival but I didn’t want it to be awkward between myself and AC. I told her this. It was the only thing at that time holding me back.
Next up June 2013.
nerdingouthard 
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